This Blog is Your Blog
Lucatya Bahfune
The Dorito Bandit
The Dorito Bandit
January 29, 2021
-- Spiritual Guide & Rahdahg Politician
-- Half American, Half Mutt
Hello dere! Being new to ya, I introduce mahself. Me namen is Lucatya Bahfune, and ya need the hard truth. Over and over ya
need it, rahdahg style, and I'm here to give ya dat.
Lucatya Bahfune, ya say it like da mantra, ya.
Lucatya Bahfune, ya need help, and let me show ya.
Lucatya Bahfune, why you not be a better person? I know ya hurtin, but you got to be the bigger balls in the game, ya?
Ya can't be a GameStop in the market, gettin' your stocks shorted and then not shorted and then get passed around like a missy at da fraternity party, ya?
So dat first, ya know, stand up. Stand up and fight for ya. Why ya do these things, ya? Piss on dem people, like ya do? Are ya not the big balls? You got da fruity pebbles, like da cereal?
Ya can't go to da capitol like ya did and then yell Antafa! Antafa! Put on ya big balls! Stand up and fight for ya self.
Ya can't go to da Senate and call for da unity eider, fruity pebbles. Ya go in with ya big balls in a wellborrow, and ya take all ya can get. Da money, da climate, da oil, all of
it, ya? Ya don't fuck da economy da way ya fuck ya sister, ya pull da curtain back and politick in da rahdahg, ya?
And when ya done rapin' da country, ya go home and give ya DisneyPlus-size wife da big balls. More rahdahg, ya?
Ya take and ya fuck and ya stand up for ya.
Lucatya Bahfune, ya can be proud of ya. Fuck dem, look at ya!
Ya don't need no "Pardon me, pardon me", ya fruity pebbles! Ya did it for ya, ya stood up, ya crawled from the piss and da poo and ya went and did what ya did, stand up for ya!
Ya stand up with ya firestick and ya justafornications and ya take what ya want. Fuck dem, stand up for ya, say Lucatya
Bahfune.
Let dem eat da fire from ya bowels. Let dem breathe da last of da clean air. Let dem drink da shit water from da factorrie. Ya take da truth, and fuck dem, stand up for ya!
Lucatya Bahfune, ya rahdahg da truth, ya say da lies with da big balls, stand up for ya!
Lucatya Bahfune, ya don't need no scientific, stand up for ya! Ya rahdagh da truth, ya lies with da big balls.
Now go steal ya capitol, and ya capital, and stand up for ya!
Lucatya Bahfune, ya rahdahg climate-taker.
Lucatya Bahfune, ya lies with da big balls.
Lucatya Bahfune, ya laugh at da world dat laughs at ya.
Lucatya Bahfune, ya stand up for ya, and fuck dem.
-------------------------
Lucatya Bahfune (pronounced "Look At Ya, Buffoon") is a noted self-help guide for narcissists, criminals, rapists, cult followers, old white men, young white men, angry white women, and of course, raving lunatics who
believe in a flat world, around the world, and fuck the world.
29 JANUARY 2021 / FINALIZED AT 6:21 AM.
The Dorito Bandit
The Dorito Bandit
The Dorito Bandit
January 15, 2021
Each day the press brings to us more details about the insurrection on January 6 of this year in DC.
Here's a timeline, as near as I can piece together. I think it's important to understand the strategy and goals.
President Trump's remarks were actually fairly late in the game, much had already been done before he spoke.
Best I can tell, is that soon after the election, GOP lies led to talk in chat rooms about taking the Capitol.
GOP lawmakers, NOT their staff, but elected representatives in Congress, provided tours to those we would later see in the Capitol building.
Panic buttons were removed from the offices of Democratic lawmakers.
DC police and other local authorities were not warned and/or prepared for the insurrection.
President Trump was not taken to a secure location.
Those in the Capitol building feared for their lives, and indeed, some were killed.
Traitors in the Capitol had guns, knives, and bombs. They had plans to capture and kill.
Six times the governor of Maryland tried to send in the National Guard to end the treachery and after 90 minutes of no communication was finally granted permission.
You can fill in the rest, it's 6:37 am and I'm sure I've missed a lot.
I truly believe that seeing this in a timeline, much in the same way that 9/11 was presented, is essential to our understanding of events.
However, it must begin with the election results and the lies of a "stolen" election.
It must include the numerous lawsuits, all rejected due to lack of merit.
It must include the numerous governors and election officials and state AGs who rebuffed the lies by Trump and other GOP members.
And to the extent possible, it should include remarks by people such as Ted Cruz, Josh Hawley, Rudy Giuliani, and others (Victor Chavez, really?) who echoed Trump's lies.
Once this is all puzzled together, it should have as a footnote the market losses (200 points in one day) and reactions by corporations.
For example, Hallmark has asked for its $3,000 back from Hawley. How many fucking cards do you have to sell to give that douchetwat $3,000?
I feel it's important to include the hypocrisy of these businesses who would not be severing ties if the insurrection had been a success.
A second footnote would be the headlines in China and other countries which have turned these traitors into shining examples of a failed democracy. (And they're right.)
But most importantly, the final section of this chronology is the efforts by law enforcement and the media to shine light on how this happened and who participated.
Name those who have been arrested. Include Cruz and Hawley and Trump and their possible charges.
Yes, this is an extensive project. I feel that it's a necessary one. I'll help to the extent that I can.
******************
Last night, as I was drifting off to sleep, I had a vision. It was an elephant, drowning. I could see its head above water, eyes wide open, expression of disbelief, trunk flailing.
My POV allowed me to see its body under water at the same time, as if my eyes were at water level. The elephant's body was at a 45 degree angle, its legs akimbo, trying to stay afloat.
Tied to its tail was a chain, and that chain led further down, towards the bottom of the lake. At the other end of that chain was Donald Trump. Smirking.
He was disproportionately large, almost as large as the pachyderm. And it's clear he was weighing down the GOP mascot, causing it to struggle to avoid drowning.
The elephant is covered in tattoos. KKK. Swastika. Proud Boys. A cross. A hangman's rope. Trump Tower. A Russian flag.
Not just decals, like a Nascar driver's suit or vehicle. But burned in ink on the elephant's skin.
That is how I fell asleep, my semi-conscious mind providing these images.
The Dorito Bandit
The Dorito Bandit
The Dorito Bandit
January 9, 2021
While many people mistakenly think of Donald Trump as the second coming of Jesus Christ, there is a similar adulation of Ronald Reagan by conservatives.
During Trump's campaign and Presidency, he has repeatedly been compared to the best President since "The Great Communicator."
However, while thinking about the 3,895 deaths from Covid-19 on January 8th of this year, I remembered how Reagan was reviled for his continued denial and dismissal of AIDS in the 1980s.
I wondered what other similarities the two Republicans might share.
Jeffrey Epstein's pedophilia charges align with Trump's friendship, which began in 1987 and lasted 15 years. (It apparently ended when both bid on the same property.)
Michael Jackson was repeatedly accused of molestation and settled out of court until 2005, when he had to testify and many details were confirmed.
While not directly tied to Reagan, Jackson's ability to evade the law certainly echoes Epstein's legal efforts.
Aside from creepy sleepovers with minors, both were captive to money and power.
Much of Reagan's popularity comes from "trickle-down economics", a political term which means the opposite of what you would expect.
With George Bush, Sr. as his Vice-President, whom some connect to the assassination of JFK and others, Reagan had many hands pulling his puppet strings.
As a former actor with great speechwriters, he presented the facade of a caring grandfather while corporate interests were allowed to loot the Treasury.
Ronald Reagan was our oldest President (when he left office) until Donald Trump. (Sadly, Joe Biden is also in this club now.)
There are other similarities and you can make of them what you will.
Each category has been researched and I've selected links which either make the best individual points or conversely provide the best overview for a topic.
Similarities Between Trump's Presidency & Reagan's Presidency
This article is the result of my thinking about Covid-19 and how Trump's response to the virus was similar to Reagan's dismissal of AIDS.
It led to my thinking about how Reagan and Trump shared a few similarities.
Topics researched are:
HEALTH CRISIS
PEDOPHILES FROM THE 1980S
BUDGET DEFICITS
AGE DURING PRESIDENCY
BULLSHIT ARTISTS
TRICKLE-DOWN ECONOMICS (THE BIG LIE)
**************************************************************
HEALTH CRISIS
Reagan -- ignored the burgeoning health crisis known as AIDS.
About 37.9 million people were living with HIV around the world in 2018. An estimated 770,000 people died from AIDS-related illnesses in 2018. An estimated 35 million people have died from AIDS-related illnesses since the start of the epidemic.
SOURCE:
https://www.cdc.gov/hiv/library/reports/hiv-surveillance/vol-31/index.html
More than 89,000 people died of AIDS over seven years under Reagan administrations.
SOURCE:
https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2020/oct/27/ronald-reagan-vs-donald-trump
Trump -- ignored the health crisis known as Covid-19
Covid-19 claimed 3,895 lives on January 8, 2021, according to The New York Times.
369,390 American lives have been lost since tracking began.
SOURCE:
https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2020/us/coronavirus-us-cases.html
SOURCE:
**************************************************************
PEDOPHILES FROM THE 1980s
Reagan was President during Michael Jackson's peak of popularity. In 1993, Jackson would be accused of sexual assault. In 2005 he would go to trail. In 2019, HBO would release Leaving Neverland, detailing numerous facts from the trial which make it clear Jackson was a pedophile.
SOURCE:
Trump was friends with Jeffrey Epstein long before he was President, a relationship which, according to Trump, began in 1987.
SOURCE:
https://www.elle.com/culture/career-politics/a28320376/jeffrey-epstein-president-trump-connection/
photographed-together/?sh=1c62631b183d
**************************************************************
BUDGET DEFICITS
SOURCE:
**************************************************************
AGE DURING PRESIDENCY -- Reagan was the oldest President until Trump.
SOURCE:
https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2020/oct/27/ronald-reagan-vs-donald-trump
**************************************************************
BULLSHIT ARTISTS -- BOTH SPENT TIME IN ENTERTAINMENT, BOTH WERE SALESMEN, BOTH WERE
PHONIES
Reagan's speechwriters gave the former actor the words he needed to be labeled The Great Communicator. He never wrote much of his own material and presented a false face to the public. He cared nothing for the common man as evidenced by many of his political policies.
Trump doesn't use speechwriters, but is revered by many for his honesty: his honesty about being a racist, misogynist, a narcissist, and a wanna-be dictator.
SOURCE:
https://www.reagan.com/ronald-reagan-vs-donald-trump-similarities-and-differences
https://savejersey.com/2019/05/donald-trump-ronald-reagan-similarities-parallels-president-history/
**************************************************************
TRICKLE-DOWN ECONOMICS (THE BIG
LIE)
SOURCES:
https://www.latimes.com/business/story/2019-08-19/column-trickle-down-is-a-lie
Alan Levy
The Dorito Bandit
The Dorito Bandit
December 23, 2020
RE: The Case for Two Americas - Why a Wealth Tax Won't Work
Taxing the net wealth of the über-rich is much more complicated than you're presenting it, because net wealth is not a liquid asset. It's not money sitting in a bank waiting to be spent.
We all hear how Jeff Bezos made so much money off the pandemic. That's not exactly true: he's more wealthy, but he didn't "make money." Amazon grew enormously because it was in the right place at the right time to get us through the pandemic, and because Bezos is majority shareholder, he's now worth a hell of a lot more. But it's not exactly "his" money. He can't just take it all and leave. If he did, he'd kill the company and ruin everybody invested in it.
That's the challenge with taxing net wealth. It's not a form of income, so it requires cashing out stocks to pay for it. As-is, that also makes it a taxable capital gain once it's cashed out, which would require cashing out even more stock to pay the capital gains tax on top of the wealth tax. If all the über-wealthy were forced to cash out a percentage of their stocks at the same time every year, it would annually fuck up the stock market.
I'm not saying the über-rich should not pay their fair share and I agree they are not doing so. It's about finding the best way to solve the problem. No matter how well-intentioned, a wealth tax would end up hurting all the little guys trying to save for retirement.
The Dorito Bandit
The Dorito Bandit
The Dorito Bandit
December 17, 2020
Writing on the Wall
Some of the oldest cave drawings by humans are estimated to be over 40,000 years old. We've sailed around the world, explored the butthole of the oceans, and landed on our rocky subordinate, the moon.
Hell, we've manned a fucking space station for two decades, and some psycho with investors dropped 14 miles from the edge of space just to see if he could do it. (He did, and the video footage is cool. Insane, but cool.)
So I don't give a fuck about Wall Street. Back here on earth, in one portion of the world known as The United States of Greedy Motherfuckers, suddenly everyone's worried about Wall Street. Fuck Wall Street.
Stock markets work against humanity. They place value on people, a monetary value, but not a social value.
We've had stock exchanges in some form since 1531 in Antwerp, and "modern-day" exchanges with stocks since 1773 in London.
In the time since, we've founded a country, legalized slavery, ended slavery, built skyscrapers, gone to the moon, cured polio, and invented cellphones.
Why are we still using money? It's as outdated as religion. (Religion made sense when we were dumb and at the mercy of nature. Now we understand a few things and build houses.)
We have money and exchanges today because powerful people never give up power willingly.
More than a few times this year I've seen articles about the stock market making great gains while this country has lost more than 200,000 lives to Covid-19.
This number, 200,000, exceeds eight of the ten deadliest battles in American history.
What kind of society profits from death? Well, American society profits from death. Simply put, the numbers in your bank account are a big factor in your life expectancy.
Society has it backwards. We don't value people, we value money. We love money so fucking much we have stock exchanges to create money on our collective fantasies about money.
Americans think the gap between the poorest and wealthiest can be overcome with hard work, but that's a lie. Economic inequality in America rarely moves to balance itself.
"The wealth gap between America’s richest and poorer families more than doubled from 1989 to 2016, according to a recent analysis by the Center. Another way of measuring inequality is to look at household wealth, also known as net worth, or the value of assets owned by a family, such as a home or a savings account, minus outstanding debt, such as a mortgage or student loan."
There was a time when money didn't matter. It was a simple time, but we lived and we thrived. We built empires and watched them fall and then built new ones.
And while one might say we've ended slavery, in many ways we have not. Money is our master and those pulling the chains have no intention of letting go.
Maybe it's time for a new empire. Maybe the writing is on the wall.
The Dorito Bandit
The Dorito Bandit
The Dorito Bandit
November 10, 2020
** INTERNAL MEMO FOR TRUMP TRANSITION TEAM **
** PER RUDY GIULIANI AND STEPHEN MILLER **
TO PREPARE FOR THE PRESIDENT'S LEGAL EXPENSES AGAINST MULTIPLE LAWSUITS, WE MUST TAKE STOCK OF ALL MERCHANDISE AND INVENTORY.
STORAGE SPACE FOR NUMEROUS PRODUCTS IS NOW A COST WE NEED TO MINIMIZE, SO WE MUST CREATE A CATALOG TO EXPEDITE SALES OF REMAINING ITEMS. PREFERABLY A HOLIDAY-THEMED SALE, SUCH AS "I'LL BE ARRAIGNED AND HOME IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS", OR "A VERY WHITE CHRISTMAS IN A VERY RICH NEIGHBORHOOD".
OUR BIGGEST MONEY-MAKER HAS BEEN THE RED MAGA CAP. WE HAVE APPROX. 2 BILLION OF THESE STOCK. WITH A 50% DISCOUNT WE CAN SHED MILLIONS IN WAREHOUSE FEES AND CREATE AN INITIAL BURST IN LEGAL FUNDS. PLEASE MARKET THESE AS WAR ZONE BED PANS, UNOFFICIALLY THE BEST CHOICE BY RED CROSS AND DOCTORS WITHOUT BORDERS SECONDARY SUPPLY OPTION.
** NOTE **
THIS IS NOT A CATALOG ITEM. PLEASE CONTACT KNOWN DICTATORS AND WARLORDS DIRECTLY. STEPHEN MILLER RUNS POINT ON THIS ITEM.
NEXT WE HAVE THE TRUMP INFLATABLE SERIES. INVENTORY SHOWS 7,400 INFLATABLES OF THE MOST POPULAR ITEM, A 30' LIKENESS OF TRUMP SENDING ANGRY TWEETS WHILE SEATED ON A TOILET. PLEASE DISCOUNT BY 40%, THEY COST $35 EACH AND WE CAN NOT AFFORD TO GO IN THE RED ON THIS ITEM LIKE TRUMP STEAKS.
THE 2ND-MOST POPULAR INFLATABLE IS A LIKENESS OF TRUMP ON THE GOLF COURSE EATING A BIG MAC. THIS WE CAN DISCOUNT BY 50% AS WE STILL HAVE NEARLY 4,000 ON HAND.
ALL OTHER INFLATABLES WILL BE DISCOUNTED BY 65%. IT HAS BEEN SUGGESTED WE CONTINUE THE "ALWAYS FULL OF HOT AIR" MARKETING STRATEGY AS THEY HAD BEST RESULTS LONG-TERM.
NEXT WE HAVE THE "ADORABLE DEPLORABLE" TEE SHIRTS, WITH NEARLY 33,000 IN STOCK. DISCOUNT BY 75%. PLEASE MARKET AS "DEFECTIVE" AND "MUST-SELL". WE CURRENTLY HAVE A TEAM USING MARKERS TO CROSS OUT THE WORD "ADORABLE" AND THESE SHIRTS SHOULD BE READY TO SHIP BEFORE THE NEW CATALOG IS FINALIZED.
THERE WILL BE ONE NEW ITEM: A PRESIDENTIAL PHOTO ALBUM. THE PRESIDENT'S FINEST MOMENTS, MEMORIALIZED FOR ALL TIME, AND PRINTED ON ARCHIVE QUALITY PAPER IN A BEAUTIFUL HARD-BOUND BOOK. MARKETING SHOULD MENTION SOME OF THE INCLUDED PHOTOS:
PRESIDENT TRUMP SIGNING THE AGREEMENT WITH MEXICO'S PRESIDENT TO PAY FOR THE BORDER WALL;
PRESIDENT TRUMP STANDING ON TOP OF THE BORDER WALL;
PRESIDENT TRUMP SITTING ALONE AT HIS FIRST NATO SUMMIT;
VARIOUS TRANSLATORS SHOCKED AT PRESIDENT TRUMP'S BRILLIANCE;
PRESIDENT TRUMP RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL MEDAL OF HONOR FROM FOX NEWS;
PRESIDENT TRUMP ON THE INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION;
PRESIDENT TRUMP CURING COVID-19 IN A SECRET LABORATORY IN DETROIT;
PRESIDENT TRUMP SHAKING HANDS WITH BORAT.
SADLY, THIS CATALOG WILL INCLUDE THE FINAL RUN OF PRESIDENTIAL CHRISTMAS TREES. FOUR SEASONS TOTAL
LANDSCAPING IS NOW FOUR SEASONS TRUMP LANDSCAPING AND WILL FILE FOR BANKRUPTCY IN 2021. AS SUCH, ALL XMAS TREES WILL BE SOLD AT A 300% MARKUP AS 'LIMITED EDTION' CONSERVATION ITEMS. TWO SIZES OF 'LIMITED EDITION' ECOLOGICAL PRESERVATION CHAINSAWS WILL BE AVAILABLE, ONE FOR SMALLER TREES AND ONE FOR LARGER TREES. PLEASE INCLUDE A BURST ABOUT "DRY AND FLAMMABLE" AND "DO NOT DUMPSTER".
FINALLY, THE CATALOG WILL END WITH THE LIMITED RUN SERIES OF WHITE HOUSE MEMORIAL PLATES. DISCOUNTED AT 40% IS NO. ONE SELLER "TRUMP STANDING WITH GHISLAINE MAXWELL AND JEFFREY EPSTEIN", WITH 1,500 REMAINING. NO. 2 SELLER "I WOULD DATE MY DAUGHTER" WILL BE REVAMPED FOR SOUTHERN STATES SO TWO VERSIONS WILL BE AVAILABLE. NO. 3 SELLER "WHAT ABOUT THE EMAILS?" AND NO. 4 "I WON'T HAVE TIME FOR GOLF" WILL BE DISCOUNTED AT 60%.
ANY QUESTIONS SHOULD BE DIRECTED TO GULIANI, MILLER, AND NEW TO THE TEAM BETSY DEVOS. BETSY HAS NEVER
OPENED A BOOK PRIOR TO HER NEW ASSIGNMENT, BUT HAS CONSIDERABLE EXPERIENCE IN SELLING BULLSHIT. WE WELCOME HER AS A NEW "ASSET", NUDGE NUDGE WINK WINK.
WE ARE WORKING ON NEW AND EXCITING ITEMS FOR 2021!
FROM KANYE’S “WHICH WAY IS WEST” RECORD LABEL, WE EXPECT A “DONNIE’S GREATEST HITS” ALBUM. EXPECTED TO BE INCLUDED ARE THE TOP 200 HIT “ALL MY BITCHES ARE SNITCHES” AND “IN A STATE OF DENIAL…IS THIS MISSOURI?”
.
OTHER SONGS MAY INCLUDE
“WHAT ABOUT THE EMAILS?”,
“MAGA DAGA DIGGA DOO”,
“THIEVIN’ & LYIN”,
“ALONE AT THE SUMMIT”,
“RACIST BLUES”,
“SUPREME COURT KEGGER”,
“I FOUGHT THE RONA AND THE RONA WON”.
IF MARKETING CAN ALLUDE TO THIS FUTURE RELEASE AND TAKE NON-REFUNDABLE “PRE-ORDERS” THAT WOULD BE APPRECIATED.
THANKS, RUDY & STEPHEN
The Dorito Bandit
The Dorito Bandit
The Dorito Bandit
July 21, 2020
Editor's note: Thank you to my good friend, The Dorito Bandit, for being CowMojo.com's first guest contributor and allowing me to share this hilarious, off-the-cuff parody of a Donald Trump speech transcript. Two words: nailed it!
"So about the economy, let me tell you. I think it's going great. All the time, people tell me... but the cancer windmills, people don't know but they produce energy and cancer, that's just wrong... and the Goya Beans, just amazing, never had better beans coming outta my ass than Goya... but Sleepy Joe, you know, just sitting there with beans on his chin... my mental tests, I passed them all. Passed them all to someone else who was sane and smart, that's what I did. Let me tell you, nobody knows how to cheat like I do. I know more about cheating than anyone. And stealing. And lying. I'm the world's biggest prick. Record-setting. Dementia? Coherent? That's me. Bought and paid for, like a can of beans. Goya beans. Best beans I ever had comin' outta my ass. I'm full of them. Full of lots of stuff. People tell me all the time how full of it I am. And it's true."
Photo by Matheus Henrin from Pexel